Mastering Self and Conversations: The Real Art of Leadership

In the world of management and leadership, mastering your own behavioural responses is foundational. It’s not just about leading others—it’s about leading yourself first. Emotional intelligence and self-regulation are often highlighted in senior leadership development, but they’re just as essential, if not more, for first-line leaders and supervisors. Why? Because they are the ones dealing with the rawest and most frequent people-related challenges.

One of the toughest yet most critical aspects of leadership is handling difficult conversations. And that’s where technical mastery and emotional control intersect. Let’s explore how you can get to the heartbeat of managing these situations effectively.

From SBI to SFBII: A Model for Real Conversations

There are countless feedback models available for leaders, but when it comes to navigating emotionally charged discussions, the SBI model—Situation, Behaviour, Impact—has long been a go-to. However, while useful, SBI has its limitations.

That’s why we’ve evolved it into a more complete framework: SFBII, which stands for:

• Situation

• Feelings

• Behaviour

• Impact

• Intent

By incorporating Feelings and Intent, SFBII provides a more human and holistic lens, turning feedback into real conversations and reducing the chances of emotional triggers derailing the outcome.

A Real-World Application

Picture this: you find out that a member of your team has been speaking negatively about you behind your back. What they’re saying is simply untrue, disrespectful, and clearly fuelled by their own personal issues or insecurities.

Your first instinct? Probably something like: “What the hell are they thinking?” You want to pick up the phone and confront them.

But that’s where self-mastery steps in.

Before you react, you pause. You breathe. You observe. And then—you apply SFBII.

Breaking Down the Approach

Here’s how SFBII supports your process, along with a few key principles to help ground your response:

1. Responses and Reactions

   
   

   Every action has a reaction. React impulsively, and you risk escalation. Respond thoughtfully, and you take control.

2. Empathy and Vulnerability

   
   

   This isn’t about ego. It’s about understanding what might be going on beneath the surface for that individual. Approach with compassion—your goal is to support and uncover, not attack and blame.

3. Perception and Projection

   
   

   Their behaviour may be rooted in a warped perception of your actions. Instead of defending yourself, seek to understand their story—what they believe and why.

4. Feelings Drive Behaviour

   
   

   Often, people comment on behaviour without considering the feelings underneath. Ask yourself: What might they be feeling? Then, lean into that empathy.

5. Perceptual Positioning

   
   

   Step into a neutral third-party perspective. This shift reduces emotional charge and allows curiosity to replace frustration.

6. Transactional Analysis (PAC)

   
   

   Be mindful of your tonality. Avoid the “critical parent” tone. Speak from your Adult state: calm, balanced, and clear. Practice makes this a natural habit.

7. Understand the Impact

   
   

   Ask yourself what impact they were trying to create. This helps reveal their motives and unmet needs.

8. Intent Matters

   
   

   You might never fully know their intent, but be aware: sometimes people act out just to provoke a reaction. Don’t give them what they expect.

The Leadership Advantage

Whether you’re a team leader, middle manager, or in a senior role—developing these skills takes your leadership to the next level. The SFBII model isn’t just a framework; it’s a mindset. One that turns difficult conversations into moments of growth, connection, and clarity.

In Blog 3, we’ll dive deeper into how to have these conversations practically using SFBII. Until then, reflect on how your reactions shape your outcomes—and how mastering your response can be your greatest leadership strength.